You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
