apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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