well I can't set my house on fire every night
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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