I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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