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I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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