Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
