I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
