So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
one might say we're banned from that church
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
