Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
