My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She even gives head with a lisp.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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