the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
