I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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