Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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