I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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