oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
