Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
