i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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