She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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