Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
