I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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