I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
