i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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