guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
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how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
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What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED