Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
