dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
