guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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