Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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