I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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