Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
