4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
