His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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