Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
