i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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