i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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