Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
