Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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