Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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