Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
