i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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