I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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