So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Last time i carry you out of a forest
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
