life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
