once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
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We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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