Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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