dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
