Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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