If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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