nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
