I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
