if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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