thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
