I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
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i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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