yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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