He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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