My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
