I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
