the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
