i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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