how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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